where art collides philosoperontap

There are lots of pictures on the wall in this room. Far more than we have in our house. There is an explanation for this. Pictures have a habit of being knocked off the wall by a robust and growing family. We still have a broken pane of glass in the window next to our front door. It’s covered in sellotape. It was an over enthusiastic chuck of a powerball that did it.

The problem is it is a small piece of glass in a window that is mostly stained glass. It’s been more hassle than either of us considered it worth to get it fixed. Also I’m not sure whether we would be able to find the same pattern so it would look a little different than the rest of the window though that isn’t really an excuse.

I had to smash the small pane of glass in the old downstairs loo once. Joe aged 2 had locked himself in and it was the only way we could get it open. It didn’t help that I had just come home from a funeral, or more specifically from the wake. The memory of the deceased had been toasted many times and I was expecting to get home and just crash out.

The minute I walked in the door Anne said “right I’m off out now” leaving me in charge of the young family. A 2 yo locking himself in the toilet was the last thing I needed. We went through a phase of “incidents” with the kids.

There was the time when the same 2yo shoved a currant up his nostril. It was at breakfast and I was sat opposite him and saw it go in. I can remember thinking to myself “that kid has just shoved a currant up his nose” in an incredulous manner. I couldn’t believe it. I took a look and thought I could just about see it but no way was I going to be able to get it out. Hmm. It was the last working day before Christmas and I had planned to nip in to the office to do my expenses (6 different currencies) then finish early.

Instead of going in to the office I ended up in A&E at Lincoln County Hospital. In all fairness to them because he was so young he was given priority. However none of the staff could see anything and questioned whether there was anything really there. This demanded some considerable self-belief on my part. I definitely saw the currant go in. I stuck with the story.

They referred us to the Ear Nose and Throat department. We started the queuing process again. After an hour in the ENT queue we finally for in to see the doc. She sounded Russian or similar. The same questions were asked. Is there really anything there? Eventually after some probing the doctor pulled out the currant that had swollen to its original grape size. Wow. That was quite some relief. Can you imagine walking around with a blockage the size of a grape up your nose?

I took the lad home and went in to the office to do my expenses. However by this time it was almost lunchtime. The expenses were going to take ages to do and in any event the finance department was shut and it would now not make any difference if I left it until after Christmas. So home I went.

The plan for the afternoon was to do the big Christmas shop. I had a long list and it took it and Joe to Tesco to begin the process. I had only put two items in the trolley when my mobile rang. It was head office in Canada. The company was in the middle of being sold and they had the lawyers on the phone wanting to discuss a specific aspect of the contract. My bit was the last bit before both sides could sign.

I spent the next hour discussing contracts whilst at the same time continuously moving around Tesco away from loudspeaker announcements  and trying to stop young Joe from snatching at things on shelves from his seated position in the trolley. After an hour the conversation turned to chit chat and I said I had to go and continue my shopping.

A few minutes and only four or five more grocery items in the trolley the phone rang again. It was Anne. Was I going to be much longer? The other kids were getting restless and my services were required to take them swimming.

I aborted the mission and began again at 6am the next day at which time Tesco was heaving with like-minded people. The timing of the Christmas shop is critical. It’s a combination of getting the veg as close to Christmas as possible whilst avoiding the crowds. I remember one year at Waitrose the queues extended the full length of the shop at each till. Wtf!? The whole point of Waitrose is that there are seldom any queues because it is more expensive to shop there than Tesco. Keeps the masses away. Tescos can be a nightmare.

However I move on. I am not here to discuss the relative merits of different supermarkets. As it happens I am going to continue with the kids in distress theme. One Saturday our youngest rocked back on his chair at the kitchen table. Note a lot of the kid action seems to have been in the kitchen. If you are a parent I’m sure you will on many occasions have had to tell your kids not to rock back on their chair. So rock back on his chair he did and over went the chair.

His chin caught the table with a crack and blood started to pour everywhere. Here we go again!

At that moment the front doorbell went. It was a pal who had brought a trailer load of wood for the fire. Unfortunately I couldn’t hang around. I had to drive the ambulance. So I set off and left my pal to unload the trailer himself.

The service at the hospital was rapid and we returned an hour later with a plaster on the chin to find the friend still there having only just finished unloading the wood! Result really – not wanting to sound ungrateful!

The hospital visits, once a regular occurrence, seemed to have tailed off as the kids got older.

3rd Law part 29 here

3rd Law part 31 here