Dear Santa
Not sure when I last wrote to you, soz. May have been during an earlier shorts wearing phase. Primary school probs. Funny how what goes around comes around innit.
I’ve always been a believer even if I didn’t write. The world is full of too many bad things and life is too short to not believe. Believing in you somehow seems to make things better. It means anything is possible. Simple choice really.
I think I’ve been good all year. I generally try to be good. Again it is simple. Why be a knobhead, pardon the French, when you can be nice to people. This is something I’ve learnt over the years, particularly as the grey hairs have moved in. Others will be the judges. You in particular, Santa.
Not sure what the grey hairs are about. I’ve always been a kid. Then in my mid forties I needed varifocal lenses in my glasses. That was the first indication that things were starting to change. Gradually since then bits have metaphorically dropped off and lately I’ve developed the knack of turning on the sound effects when I get up out of a low chair. So I’m not running around with the same energy as that kid who wrote you letters all those years ago.
The issue with being good all year is that I don’t really need anything for Christmas that I would need to be good to earn. Problem is if I want something I just buy it and if I really need something it is there the next day or sooner. So any letter I write you is not going to have a list of presents I would like in my stocking on the big day.
I remember one year The Head Gardener and I had said that we wouldn’t buy each other a present. When it came to the kids opening their presents there turned out to also be one there for me, from THG herself. Boy did I feel bad.
Not as bad as the year when she asked for the Who Wants to be a Millionaire board game. I left it until Christmas Eve to go shopping and despite trying eight different shops all I could find was Who Wants to be a Millionaire Junior. So I bought that and loads of other things to go with it. It was the most heart wrenching time in our married lives to see the disappointment on her face. I had let down the one I love the most. I have never since left Christmas shopping until the last minute. And I only have to buy for Anne (THG) and my sisters.
We have, as you know, four offspring. They are now all adults but I daresay still write to you. I can vouch that they too have been good for the whole of 2023 afaik and worthy of your favourable attention. It will be a lot easier on the Davies family purse if you could furnish as many of the requested presents as possible. No pressure obvs. Whatever you think appropriate considering your already not inconsiderable workload. If it makes it easier I can make sure they all get their letters in early enough for future years.
It’s about proportionality innit. There have, I know, been occasions in the past where the list of requests has extended to several pages. Just do what you think is right, if for no other reason than to save us from having too many bags of packaging to shove in our recycle bins. In years past it has not been possible to get all the cardboard into the two brown bins.
This is partly because we have so many empty bottles and cans to dispose of at this time of year. It is a matter of personal pride on my part to hear the sound of bottles being tipped from a smaller bin into the larger one outside. V satisfying. You will have been v impressed to see the number of bags filled with bottles from my Christmas party, trefbash, especially considering that most of them are Pol Roger champagne. My fave. I would invite you if I thought you had time to come. Wrong time of year for you innit.
There is one question that you might usefully answer and that concerns your favourite tipple. As you know I leave a glass of brandy and a mince pie out for you on Christmas Eve. However in the interest of keeping everyone happy if there is an alternative you would rather have then do let me know.
Let’s keep it sensible. No glasses of fifty year old port for example but if you would prefer a Baileys, say or a reasonably priced whisky then just ask. As long as I have it in it is yours. Lemme know if you want ice although this may not necessarily be practical as it might melt before you get to ours. You know the score. The mince pie is non negotiable.
So now to the crux of the matter. I can’t really think of anything I want for Christmas so hows about this. I’d like some of the usual things such as world peace, long life and happiness for everyone. Politicians who are not self serving and don’t lie to us and perhaps a General Election in the spring. Lower mortgage interest rates and energy bills. No homelessness. Snooker on the telly all year round (that one is particularly for THG). I’d also like continuous rolling repeats of Dad’s Army and any other good TV shows from the past. There’s never anything I want to watch on the box. On free to air obvs. No global warming. Now I think about it I could also do with some logs bringing in from the bag in the front garden and also last night I slipped on the icy footpath near the shed and hurt my shoulder. This is being a bit of a nuisance right now so that could do with fixing. Make the pain go away Santa bebe. This leads on to me asking that man flu be officially recognised as an ailment.
There we go. A simple enough list. Quite short really. One paragraph. A man of your capabilities should have no trouble with sorting. Those elves need driving. Don’t give them a chance to slack off. Think of it as Amazon on steroids.
Anyway thanks in advance.
Your ever optimistic fan.
Tref
PS don’t forget to let me know. Brandy or whisky? You choose.