Ears are ugly, they’re unseemly, unhygienic and unsightly,
God was definitely drunk when He designed ’em.
Though it’s a shocking allegation
there’s no other explanation
for the biggest single cock-up in Creation.
A design fault falling short on technical support,
they’re repulsive little afterthoughts brought out late.
We’re supposed to have been wrought
in God’s image, so I thought,
I’d like to bet that He ain’t got none, mate!
‘Cos God’s a super-hero with special magic powers,
He never really needed ears Himself.
He’d created whisky-sours
on the day He gave us ours
and must have picked the wrong bits off the shelf.
Just imagine you had never even heard of ears before
and you saw some for the very first time;
you’d feel sorry for the bloke,
or think it was a joke,
or that it was a nightmare and high time that you awoke.
Once over your astonishment, you’d wish that you were dead
as you contemplate a lifetime of embarrassment ahead
when told those flaps of gristle
were real, not artificial
and you’d grown a pair yourself, one on each side of your head.
It’s a pity they’re so ugly (they’re even worse if you’ve played rugby)
and hurt like hell when caught by winter’s chill,
but to keep your glasses on
they’re quite simply sine qua non
and they’re somewhere to hang jewellery as well.