where art collides philosoperontap

Up there in the gastronomic stratosphere where reside the world’s finest culinary concoctions lies the humble crisp sandwich. Much has been written of this delicacy and a great deal is to be found on the subject through the services of Google. I offer to you the simplest of instructions.

Some of the basics of this recipe are identical to other sandwich recipes to be found on Philosopherontap. Fresh crusty white bread sliced not too thinly and then spread with soft butter. The two slices should be laid butter side up on a large plate. An entire packet of cheese and onion crisps is then emptied onto one of the slices ensuring that any bits that fall off are retrieved and carefully stacked on top of the others.

The brand of crisp is important. Supermarket own brands don’t cut it. It has to be Walkers or Smiths. Interestingly enough the more expensive, premium crisp such as Pipers doesn’t really do the job either. We are looking for the right combination of taste and crunchiness here. Pipers crisps are too thick for the perfect crisp sandwich.

Once the rogue crisps have been carefully stacked the second slice of bread is placed on top butter side down (obv). At this stage you will find that some crisps do escape around the sides, probably in fragment form. It is perfectly acceptable to hoover these up and eat them without bread.

You may now eat the crisp sandwich taking care to hold it over the plate because no crisp sandwich put together by human hand is ever going to be totally crisp tight. Leave the excess crisps to fall to the plate and consume the whole sandwich. Note you should not cut the sandwich in half as you might with cheese prawn or ham. It needs to be eaten as one large slab.

The crisp sandwich is often accompanied by a glass of cold milk, semi skimmed or full fat to your own taste. Under no circumstance should skimmed milk be used. Skimmed milk is not only an affront to the senses of the crisp gourmet but its total lack of body is not well suited to washing down the crisps.

When the last corner of bread has been consumed you should now run your finger over the plate to mop up any loose crisp crumbs, licking your finger clean at appropriate intervals. You may then place the plate in the dishwasher or, if you are poor, wash it in the sink. Paper plates should not be used to eat crisp sandwiches.

And that dear reader is the crisp sandwich. I have no illustrations to support this text because on this occasion I am trying to lose weight and crisp sandwiches are off the menu.

As a footnote it should be mentioned that flavours other than cheese and onion may be used according to individual taste. Beef flavoured crisps offer almost the same experience but ready salted should probably be avoided.